If only I'd have the guts to feel this way

If only.

I’ve written this post in my head a thousand times. I do that a lot. It’s probably way too personal to put on a blog that is public, one in which I have absolutely no idea who reads. Alas, sometimes I just need to call myself out. I realize a lot of my faults, and I may even dwell on them a little too much. I’ve been in a funk lately, there’s no denying that. I feel like I often get into a funk this time of year. Perhaps because the two past years I was plagued by injuries around this time or maybe it’s just the season. March sadness, if you will (My friend Amy coined that, I can’t take credit.) Anyway, over the weekend, I started thinking more and more about it. Why do I feel so down in the dumps? It’s because I keep telling myself “if only”. If only I get a new job… then I’d be happy. If only I had more money… then I’d be happy. If only I could lose some weight… then I’d be happy. If only I could PR in my next race… then I’d be happy. If only, if only, if only. Sure, some of these things I have control over. And I did get a new job. And a higher salary. And I lost weight when I did the Whole30 in October (Yes, I’ve since gained it back and the number on the scale is really bothering me… but that’s a whole other post). And I also set some PRs in the past few months.

But I am always left wanting more. Sometimes, that can be a good thing. But sometimes, not so much. One of my goals from now on is to stop yearning for the future and stop wishing away days when “if only” becomes a reality. I have what I have right now and I need to accept that this endless cycle of dissatisfaction is making me miserable. Part of it is definitely my perfectionism and my obsessive “schedule”. I self-sabotage so much! I recognize it too. I am trying to be proactive in preventing this type of behavior.

With that being said, I decided to take the week off from running. I last ran on Saturday, and I will attempt my next run on this Saturday. I realize that all of these nagging physical issues could easily lead to something more serious. Last year before my hip stress fracture, I had terrible knee pain for about a month prior. Instead of dealing with it, I just put a brace on it to mask the pain. Boom. Crack in hip. Related? Who knows, but it’s a possibility. It’s been hard for me to acknowledge that running hasn’t been going well. Yet, I kept pushing through it. Crying during runs, buying new shoes, praying to the running gods, watching as my pace kept getting slower and slower. Finally, finally, finally, this week, I realized I didn’t want to fight my body anymore. These are clear signs that I need to take a little bit of time off from running before I do some serious damage. It’s really tough for me to do, I think more mentally than physically. I crave those runs. It makes a good day better and a bad day not-so-bad. So, this week has been run-less, but certainly not passive. I’ve been spending time at the pool, crossfit, on the arc trainer, on the rower, time with Jillian Michaels in my living room… I’ve certainly been keeping active. No, it’s not running. But the past two years when  I was injured, the ONLY thing I could do was swim. I love swimming, don’t get me wrong, but it’s frustrating to have no other options. So, this week, I am embracing these options and I am breaking out of the routine and doing other stuff. And I am closer to running again than I was yesterday.

 Yesterday, Ryan Hall announced he was dropping out of the Boston Marathon. While I certainly sympathize with him, I also felt a glimmer of hope. Because I get it. I relate to it. Training is a roller coaster. Some days, weeks, even months are bad. And some are so, so good that you sort of forget the bad. So, right now, I’m at a low, in both my training cycle and mentally. But I’ll get to the top again.

If only.

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