Reach down your hand in your pocket, pull out some hope for me

Happy Halloween!

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I love Halloween, but am not dressing up this year, sadly. Maybe next year someone will have a party and invite me?!

Today, my office is spending the day volunteering. I am really looking forward to it, and I love the fact that the company encourages it. After that, I may hang out with Liz for a bit, and then Tim and I really need to scrub the house, because tomorrow is PARTY DAY!

Yes, yes, way back when I was in the hospital with a nasty bacterial infection, we had to cancel our party, and I was so sad and disappointed. It is now happening Saturday night. I am so excited. We have a bartender coming and some GOOD FRIENDS FROM PITTSBURGH! Ah, I can not wait to see Amy, Jill and Ray! I haven’t seen them since Jill and Ray’s wedding in May. That’s unacceptable.

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So, we will spend Saturday getting ready and hanging with my BFFs. I can’t wait for the party, just hoping everyone who didn’t RSVP isn’t coming, and everyone who did is so that it all works out.

Sunday, I will probably cry all day about how much I miss my besties.

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I’ve seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I physically could not get out of bed this morning. I set my alarm for a half hour later, fell back asleep and literally had to drag myself out of bed to get up to run.

And I really like running.

Last night, we had a tasting with a caterer. We had a meeting on Monday with another one, and a meeting tonight with a different one.

Should we have this? I don't care.

Should we have this? I don’t care.

 

I “only” got eight hours of sleep last night. I don’t know how people survive on five or six hours. I feel like a zombie. I have huge bags under my eyes and my left eye has been randomly twitching for three days. I haven’t  lifted weights in a week, and my runs are like staggers because I am just so tired. Something has to give.

I am so excited about the wedding, and can’t wait to celebrate with my family and closest friends. But I am so exhausted from all these meetings and this planning.

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When I think about next weekend, I don’t feel excitement. I feel total and complete dread.

My heart just isn’t into it. My legs aren’t into it. My stomach isn’t into it.

I am strongly leaning towards walking away and swallowing the $85. I just don’t have a good feeling about this.

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My friends say I’m crazy and I agree

This weekend went so fast. Oh goodness. I feel like I just left work? Ah.

Anyway, on Friday, when I did leave work, Tim and I had to take care of a few things, then we walked to the bar for a few beers.

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I drank a dark one, so I had to awkwardly hold it and pose to tell everyone.

After we split waffle fries (KELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY. Ugh.), we came home and watched A Long Way Down on Netflix. We had both read and enjoyed the book, but the movie wasn’t that great.  I quit it about three-quarters through and went to bed around 9, and slept until 8. I guess I was tired.

On Saturday, I went for a run, dealt with an angry elf of a stomach, and then a made a quick trip to the grocery store, before Tim and I hit the road. We got to my place of birth around 2:30, and helped my mom at her store, hung out with my parents for a while, and then went to meet Bill and Irina for a few drinks.

Here  is a picture I took to show Jill who we were with

Here is a picture I took to show Jill who we were with

We saw some of Tim’s family, drank a bunch of pumpkin beers and talked about people Bill and I went to high school with. Around 10, Irina and I were both half-asleep at the bar, so we voted to part ways.

I ate two bowls of cereal at home (I am doing so well with my diet) and then I fell asleep pretty quickly. I dragged my butt out of bed to run my favorite seven-mile loop before the 5K on Sunday. It was wonderful. I love that loop so much, I never get bored and I always have the best thoughts. It makes me really happy.

Anyway, Tim and I drove over to the 5K, picked up our sweet-ass long-sleeve shirts and bibs and stood around in the FREEZING COLD with Bill and Irina. The race was always held in August in the past, so this was almost a complete 180. It was also super windy.

The race weirdly began at 9:45, and we were off. I am always slow to start- it takes me forever to get moving (one reason I am terrible at short races). There was one girl in front of me, but I passed her pretty quickly, and I was pretty much all alone for most of the race. A guy with a stroller passed me, but WHATEVER. I say it every year, but this course is awful. It’s basically a cross country course, and you spend a good chunk of time running through an uncut  field. And the wind, oh goodness.

Anyway, I still haven’t broken 23 minutes in this race. I am disappointed, but I feel like I ran hard, and whatever. I thought I was sub-23 easily, however, it wasn’t. At all. It doesn’t make me feel good for any upcoming races I may or may not have. It’s hard to not be disappointed. Because I am.

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Hey, I caught Tim when he finished!

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My aunt and mom walked over the to park to watch us, so that was really nice.

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At the end of the day, I am just really happy we still do this for Parker. And it is still really cool to be the first female runner, even if there were only 60 runners total. I got a sweet shirt for winning. Park.  I miss you.

Whether I ran it in 23 minutes or 43 minutes, I realize it doesn’t matter, and that’s not what this race is about.  It’s about much more. I overheard T and my mom talking yesterday and he said, “I will always do this race, it’s too important.”

Tim never even met Parker, yet he gets it. Some days, I miss Parker (and Bob) so much, my whole body aches and my heart hurts. I don’t know why things worked out the way they did, but I like to think I am a better person because of it. I’d rather them be here, and me still be a real shitty person, but I guess that’s not how it works. Last night, Amy and I were texting, and she said the same thing she said a few years ago when I won this race.

“Parker would be so happy right now.”

And just like a few years ago, I cried alot, even though I didn’t want to.  I hate that kind of crying. You want to stop and you can’t. It’s like you need to get it out or something.

In the end, even though I ran a near personal worst yesterday, I couldn’t be upset.

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See you someday.

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99 red ballons go by

So, on Wednesday, I came home from work, put on sweats and plopped myself on the couch. I needed a night off from working, from writing, from lifting, from thinking, from wedding planning.

It was wonderful. Tim and I drank pumpkin beer and watched old episodes of Its Always Sunny and just relaxed.

Yesterday, I was a little slow to get up, but I still had a nice run, and a good day at work (I am very much enjoying my job!) and then came home and did some freelance work. I just get so inspired by some of the athletes I am privileged to interview. Some days, I come home and can’t handle any more writing, but last night, I just wanted to write. I couldn’t stop typing and editing and moving things around and just smiling. I feel so lucky to have the opportunity to be the voice for so many local runners. I am so grateful.

So, its Friday, and I am wearing jeans to work. And will be every Friday, HOLLA. Today, I slept in until 5:30 (GLORIOUS!) and went to a really fun spinning class. I feel so much more awake now.

Tim and I are heading home this weekend for a 5K in memory of one of my favorite people. So many silly songs remind of P. “99 Red Balloons.” “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” “Hey Girl.” “Scotty Doesn’t Know.”

Last night, I listened to some and felt sad, but also couldn’t help smiling. I miss you, oh how I miss you. I know you’d be saying right now “KELLY (LAST NAME)… YOU CAN’T REALLY BE GETTING MARRIED.”

 

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Yep, P, I am. I wish you were here. You wouldn’t be on the B list.

Anyway, this weekend, we run for him. On the worst course ever. But I won’t stop smiling. I miss him so much. I wish I could hug him one more time and say, “Hey Park. See you in a few weeks. Scotty doesn’t know.”

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Hey Park, see you on the other side.

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So come dance this silence down through the morning

It depresses me that I used to see this during my last few morning miles:

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And now, it still looks like this when I finish:

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Other than that, I’m really happy right now. Not to jinx it, but just so many good things going on, so many people to be grateful for. Someone sent me a really nice email yesterday about my freelance work and it honestly made my day.  Days are long, but filled with so many good things. (OK, who can tell I had the first good run in a long time this morning? Always changes my perspective on things. No matter how badly I didn’t want to get out of bed today, I am so glad I did.)

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Scotty doesn’t know

“Hey, when we set the date, I will be SO relaxed.”

JK.

Now, the stress is all about a) cutting the guest list b) the caterer. The guest list is at more than 200 people, which is both ridiculous and insane. And also, totally out of budget. We’ve been cutting left and right. I am sad about some of the people I’ve had to cut, and I feel bad, but it has to be done. I also have way more friends on there than Tim does, and I feel incredibly selfish. It’s hard to cut people who were once really important to you and/or whom you really like, but we just can’t. We both have huge families, which is awesome, but its just a lot of people.
As for the caterer, we have three meetings next week. I wish we could just do everything from the comfort of my couch or bed. And honestly, I am NOT a foodie by any means, so I don’t really care. Just as long as its good and people don’t talk about how awful it is for months after.
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Sorry, I don’t mean to whine. I am just feeling a little burned out, admittedly, not just from wedding stuff but from running and my endless cycle to find balance between fun and losing weight.
Oh! Speaking of losing weight…photographers…. we keep talking about how terrible our engagement pictures will be because we are both SO awkward. Fortunately, we have had several photographers highly recommended to us, so hopefully they can, uh, work some magic.
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Seriously, after the caterer and photographer are booked, I will be soooooo relaxed.

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