Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light

After work, I’m heading out for a beer for Tim’s roommate Ryan’s birthday before we get on the road for the beach. I’m mostly apprehensive about the whole trip, but part of me is still really excited. My relationship with my family leaves gatherings unpredictable. I get my stubbornness from my dad, and he really knows how to push my buttons. I try not to take the bait, but sometimes I really lose my shit with him. It’s one of those situations in which I feel as though I can’t ever ‘win’. He will always find something that I did wrong or a way to make fun of me. I’m very, very sensitive, so I know I often overreact. Sometimes, we’re totally fine and he is the best and I swear I am a “daddy’s girl”.

As for my mom… well, that’s a whole other story, but similar in some veins. Sometimes, she is my best friend. We email or text all day, she confides in me and so forth. But sometimes? She is really my worst enemy. As I’ve become less censored here and more comfortable talking about well, mostly everything, I’m sure it’s quite evident that I deal with a lot of self-loathing. For a long time, it was more self-deprecating, but as of recent times, it switched gears. It’s annoying. Sometimes, I fight it, sometimes I let it consume me, and my head is just filled with negativity. I think one of the hardest things for me to do is to let go. I hold on to insults, I take things personally, and I am constantly putting myself down.

When I was at my parents earlier this month, I noticed something that I hadn’t picked up on before. While we were waiting for my dad to get ready (some things never change), my mom called me to the top of the stairs. “Kelly! Does this dress make me look fat?” My mother is almost 53 and is in really, really good shape. No, she did not look fat. “Are you sure? I feel like this makes my hips look gigantic!” No, Mom, you look beautiful, as always.

Then when we were at the party, we took a group picture. “Let me see! Ugh, my arm looks HUGE”. And so on. For the rest of the night. When I look at that picture, I never noticed my mom’s arm. I noticed all of us laughing and looking genuinely happy.

Yet, this is how I act. And no, I don’t blame my mom. She was the baby of four and they used to call her a terrible nickname because she was “chubby”. The sad thing is, she wasn’t even. Her siblings were all just stick thin. And still are.

Every time I go home, I hear her. “I didn’t even eat lunch today!” or “I’m fine; I had a hard-boiled egg for breakfast.” It’s so hard not to compare myself to her, because I feel like she is constantly criticizing me. When I was home for Easter, that Saturday, I ran 13 miles and did a body pump class with her and my dad. Later that afternoon, I was hungry, so I went downstairs for a snack. I couldn’t find anything I really wanted, so I stood at the counter, munching on graham crackers I found in the cabinet.

“I can’t believe you’re eating those.”
“Why? I’m hungry.”
“I just have never seen anyone eat as terribly as you do. It really worries me.”
“Mom, I eat generally very healthy most of the time. There are limited options here, so I’m just eating these.”
“You could have brought your own food or gone to the grocery store.”
“I’m in town for 48 hours. Packing food wasn’t a primary concern.”
“Well, I’m really worried about you.”
“Okay, Mom, well you’re really upsetting me, so I’d appreciate if you’d stop. I’m 27 years old.  I can take care of myself.”
“Well you’re upsetting me. I’m just so concerned.”
“I’m going to leave the room because you are really, really hurting my feelings.”

Obviously, that isn’t exactly what happened word for word, but it’s an accurate recap. She did email me a few days later and apologize. But come on. It really hurt me that she said that. And other times? She is making giant pancakes or ordering pizza for us, and we’re drinking cocktails on the back porch and life is grand. I just don’t get it. And people wonder why I have such awful anxiety.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to go off like that. I started writing this last week before I was sidetracked by lack of running and having a nervous breakdown. There are some things I’m really excited about. I’m pretty sure I haven’t been to OCNJ in a decade, so I am looking forward to visiting again. I also can’t wait to show Tim around, and eat some delicious pizza and maybe rent a surrey?

My mom’s family owned this fudge shop in OCNJ when she was growing up. Isn’t that cool?

If you’re still with me, the cat’s out of the bag and I’m going to be writing for the local newspaper’s website! I’m excited.

Sorry this is a novel. I may check in later this week if I’m bored.

And I thought it was strange you said everything changed

This weekend was pretty swell. I’ll give you a hint.

I RAN HERE

Both my runs were significantly better than last weekend. I’m still very, very slow and I still have to stop and take breaks because of my stomach or my legs or the humidity but hey, I ran. And right now, apparently, that’s all I can ask for. Smile on my face the entire time, I’ll tell you that much.

Honestly, had I only gotten two runs in and did nothing else the whole weekend, I would still be quite content. Lucky for me, the weekend was packed with fun. On Friday, I met Katy at Home 231 for “a drink” (or three, but who is counting?). Tim joined us and we bid farewell to Katy, who had dinner plans. Tim and I headed to the Taphouse for a drink and snack and to wish my friend Megan a happy birthday, as she was there celebrating. I’m pretty sure I was sound asleep by 9:30 p.m. I know how to party.

On Saturday, I ran and saw my turtle friend again! He was in a new place this week. I thought of the comment EW left me last week – that maybe the turtle is a sign for “slow and steady” and it helped keep my mind in the game. Also, when I was running, some girl yelled to me, “I read your posts on Sara’s site!” That was AWESOME! I love when people tell me that.

Afterward, I took care of some errands (I don’t know why I think I can go to Target and not spend a million dollars.). Then, I forced myself to take a break, sit down and read and relax so I didn’t totally hit the wall like last week and hey, it worked. I also wore my compression socks all afternoon, and I really think they helped a lot. My legs weren’t nearly as sore as usual. Before I knew it, we (me, Tim, Carter, Liz, Shelley, Lindsey, Katy and Sloane) were all heading over to Brew Fest.

Katy, Sloane, me, Kaylan and Ashley

Katy, Sloane and me

Lindsey, Tim, me and Carter

Haha LOVE Carter in the background

I had such a great time, I mean, how could you not? Day drinking in beautiful weather with your best friends with your legs carrying the fatigue of some miles… you can’t ask for much more. I thought this was funny, Tim did not, but there was a brewery there that had also been at the Brew Fest we went to last month in Media. At that one, these brewers complimented me on my arms, telling me that they weren’t hitting on me, they just wanted me to know that I had nice arms. Anyway, I didn’t remember that this was the same brewery, but they totally remembered me and told me I had the nicest arms of the 87 brew fests they’ve worked, haha. Thank you.

Anyway, after it was over, a few of us headed to Anthony’s for food and more beer (necessary). We hung out there for a while, and then walked back to my place to eat sweet potato chips (impulse buy at Target – SO GOOD!) and watch D2.

Once again, a solid night of sleep, and then I got some miles in with a big fucking smile on my face, before home to do “normal” Sunday things, like clean, errands, etc. Tim and I picked up some food and booze for the beach… I hope five pounds of carrots wasn’t overly ambitious. This weekend was EXACTLY what I needed. I needed good friends, I needed running and I needed to want to get out of bed each morning.

Yesterday, I started working on a post. I really liked it, I liked where it was going, it was honest, I was really opening up about some things. I felt a lot better about a few things to.

Then, I went to my normally scheduled physical therapy appointment. 5:45 every Thursday. As I walked into the door, I remember thinking “Don’t forget to tell him you can’t come next week”. We didn’t get that far. After 15 minutes, I was given the name of a new doctor and sent on my way. “I just…. I don’t know what’s wrong with you. I can’t help you.”

I somehow managed to not have any kind of breakdown. Maybe, I am just numb to this anymore. I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong, no one knows what’s wrong, and I’ve seen so many doctors/specialists in the past four months, I’ve lost count. The whole thing is just so strange and weird, and oh my god, please someone just let me be normal. I can’t keep living like this. Every morning when I get up, I just look forward to going to bed.

I keep trying to think positively. I can get really good at crossfit or biking, but then I inevitably start sobbing. I don’t want that. At the end of the day, I just want running. I let it take over my whole life and now I don’t even know who I am and I constantly feel like throwing up.

Running is like this abusive boyfriend I can’t get rid of. You know how it is. You see a friend that just keeps going back to some total douchebag and you try to be supportive and offer hugs and advice and tell them to “dump that loser, be strong and leave, you’re so much better than this”. And they keep going back. And it gets to a point where you’re just exhausted about it. You don’t want to keep hearing the same woes and keep offering the exact same fucking advice, “just give it up”. Yet, this time I am that friend and here I am, groveling, crying, begging. Whatever I did, I’m sorry, please just let me run again.

Last night, I felt physically ill. I tried to run. I wasn’t expecting miracles, but I thought that a few days of taking it easy would help. It didn’t. It was painful. I turned around and started walking back. And I started doing that hysteria thing. My breathing became rapid and I couldn’t even think. I honestly thought my legs just needed a break from crossfit. I’m out of ideas. I don’t know what could possibly be wrong anymore. I think I can’t feel any lower, but it keeps happening. I just keep hitting rock bottom over and over again. It somehow keeps getting deeper.

Last night, I  ate a cheese quesadilla and washed it down with a diet coke and cherry vodka and then had a piece of toast with brown sugar while looking through old pictures and listening to sad songs. I’m just a mess, really.

And we pretend we are just friends

Not going to lie, while I miss crossfit, I haven’t been in total agony over my two-week break yet. (What? I am quite dramatic.) I thought I’d feel LOST and bored. In reality, I am enjoying the extra time in the mornings and I am keeping up with my strength training sort of by still doing weights with Jillian Michaels. Scoff all you want, it is lame, but whatever. It’s a lot less weight, with a lot more reps. I don’t know what’s better – low reps, high weight or high weight, low reps. I’ve read both, but I’m leaning towards high weights, low reps. I definitely got much stronger doing crossfit, but then again, I was never really committed to old Jillian beforehand. Also, a Jillian workout never makes me feel like I am dying. More like “Okay, I am sweating, and this isn’t as fun as lying in bed reading”. As for crossfit, sometimes I really think a WOD may be the “cause of death” on my certificate.

Anyway, I am still doing the No More Trouble Zones DVD, which I fear I will soon become sick of. I have the whole thing memorized, and most of her cutesy little motivational quotes are stuck in my brain. Sometimes, I can hear them in my head when I am doing other workouts. That’s normal right? Okay, so I wrote all of this about crossfit, then I went to the gym and was dicking around in the weights section and I just sucked. I can do way more reps and more weight when other people are doing the same workout and I’m able to push myself with them. And then my friend from the box texted me to say she missed me. Okay, I really do miss crossfit.

BUT NOT AS MUCH AS YOU MISS RUNNING, KELLY.

I like how I said I would scale back on updating, and I am still here. I guess I realized that I don’t really have to entertain anyone. Sometimes I worry (shocking!) that I am too boring or whiny, but then it dawned on me that, hello, click the X on the upper right hand corner and you don’t have to deal with me. I mean, I wish I could do that sometimes. This brain is suffocating. Sometimes.

Man, getting up at 5:10 every day still hasn’t gotten any easier. Onward.

 

I tried my best to leave this all on your machine but the persistent beat it sounded thin upon listening

I feel like Mondays are always such a clusterfuck. Well, they are for me anyway. My inbox explodes, I often am surrounded by piles of paper. It’s been four months since I started my job, but I still feel so new and like I am a complete idiot sometimes. However, I’ve been told that my friendliness is appreciated and noticed. I do try to be nice to everyone at work, even if they make me crazy or act like I’m stupid. Sometimes, I swear my head will explode. I try to keep myself as calm as possible, because I have noticed a direct correlation with my stomach issues and my stress levels. Not to say that my stomach doesn’t randomly wig out on its own, but if I am riding the crazy anxiety train, I soon find myself in the fetal position with stabbing stomach pains.

I slept so well from Sunday to Monday. I’m thinking it’s because I rode my bike the three-ish miles to Tim’s and he and Ryan were casually drinking beers and they found two bottles of Bacardi Silver Raz and I drank them (and then when I got home, I looked up the nutrition facts and realized I had consumed 450 calories! I would have much rather have had an order a fries). I’m just kidding about the sleeping better due to malt liquor, but it was fun to ride my bike a little, I hadn’t touched it since September. Yesterday was just one of those days (which I seem to have more often than not lately), and I just felt so tired all day, even though I crawled back into bed for a half hour after I got home from the pool in the morning. That’s one of my favorite things to do- take a short nap at 7 a.m. I still felt incredibly tired at lunch, but I did my weights with Jillian anyway. I tried not to “phone it in”, but sometimes, you got to work with what you have. I did feel slightly better after. I still don’t have anything resembling a six pack though. Except in my fridge.

There are a few things I’m grateful for lately. The pool was down to 80 degrees yesterday. It felt amazing. I know it won’t stay that low; older people complain, but man, was it nice. I took a walk to the library for some books before I met Sloane after work. I love the library; I could spend hours and hours in there. I’ve always been like that. The summer after college, when I was only semi-employed, I used to ride my bike to the library several times a week, and spend all my free time reading. I’m also looking forward to spending a few days at the beach next week. I really need a vacation. My parents rented a house for a week, and although we can’t go down for the whole week, Tim and I are planning on going down for three days. Whenever I say I miss my family and am looking forward to seeing them, it ends up being terrible with lots of fighting, so I won’t say that. I am looking forward to pizza and the ocean.

OCNJ does it best

And finally, not quite the time to announce it yet, but a friend (who used to? maybe still does? read this) “hooked me up” and did me a favor, and I am really looking forward to this “new opportunity”.

I like rain in the summertime. It was nice last night. I laid in bed and read Cosmo, which I have never been able to take seriously. Maybe when I hit 30.

When everything is lonely, I can be my own best friend

This past weekend wasn’t my favorite. You know how it goes, you set the bar too high, and wind up feeling let down. The main disappointment was that my runs were both really awful. Between my stomach, my legs and the humidity, both mornings were filled with tears, a LOT of breaks, and general frustration. I got my miles in, but they weren’t pleasant and also, I am just so slow these days. Not being able to painlessly run is taking such a toll on me mentally, I am really struggling to not be a miserable bitch all the time. I’m just really unhappy an don’t know what to do.

When things were much better

Anyway, on Friday, I met Megan at the Susquehanna Ale House for a drink, before walking to Home 231 to meet Nadya and Sloane for a round.  After we left, I went to Tim’s mom for the night (she was out of town and he was dog sitting). The original plan was to grill and swim, but the rainy and cold weather quickly put an end to that. There were a few guys there, so we hung out for a while and I called it a night around 10.

I had an alarm set for 6, so I’d have enough time to get my run in before my haircut. I already talked about my run, so I won’t rehash that. After 15 miles and a protein shake, I had my haircut, and ran a few errands before coming home for lunch. Tim picked me up at 2, and we spent the afternoon setting up for the party, which started at 5.  The party was actually not half bad. The retiring professor was hilarious, and he introduced me to a former student who competes in Ironmans. Obviously, this guy and I became instant best friends. Everyone really liked the food, but it wasn’t my “type”, so I stuck to wine, cheese, crackers and cookies.

By the time we cleaned up and everyone had said goodbye, it was past 10, and I was completely exhausted. I was struggling to keep my eyes open. Unfortunately, all the organizers wanted to go for a drink after, so we did, but I didn’t even drink half of mine, I just wanted to go to bed! Finally, everyone finished their drinks, and we made the drive home. I slept the whole way home (30 minutes) and crawled into bed as soon as we got to my apartment. Apparently, going non-stop from 6 a.m. to midnight is too much for this old lady.

On Sunday, I had awful run #2. I think this was worse than Saturday’s because, at the suggestion of my PT, I ran in my Brooks Pure Cadence. I won’t be making that mistake again. There were several times on the run that I really wanted to call Tim to come get me, but I didn’t.  I did see a turtle.

I think I may cut back on updating. I know all six of you will be sorry to hear. I am not quitting this by any means. Sometimes, I just don’t have anything to say, so why waste our time? We’ll see. This week is my non-crossfit week. At this point, I don’t even care, I just want to run normally again.